Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Typically, we pile into the family van and drive to North Carolina to be with my sister and her family. The time there revolves around living in slumber-party closeness as we share meals, watch football, and plan our excursions. Over the years we have created a number of traditions like driving to the beach or going to our favorite outdoor farmers market. Other times we go on hikes or play a family football game. It is also pretty standard for us to go to church together.
One thing we always do is have a family foursquare match. That’s right people, foursquare. It is a pretty comical affair involving 5-10 kids of various ages, four adults whose older middle-age and athleticism vary little, and my 70-year-old mom. It’s pretty ridiculous. I have no idea what the neighbors think as they witness the spectacle of our whole tribe engaged in smack talk and grossly over-celebrating our mad ball skills, but we think it’s pretty fun.
The family foursquare game is something I look forward to all year. Time feels like it stands still as we play together, creating fun memories that are further cemented as we talk over dinner (with embellishments of course). When I think of community life, this is what I think of. It is both energizing and restful, silly and serious, spontaneous and planned. Sometimes I see members of my family across the crooked chalk-lined court bundled up in fall layers and I want to freeze the moment and hold it in my hands as if it was the hope diamond.
Being made in God’s image, we are relational at our core. Christian Psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Henry Cloud writes “People’s most basic need in life is relationship. People connected to other people thrive and grow, and those not connected wither and die”[1]. This reality is also evident everywhere in scripture, but perhaps nowhere more so than in the book of Acts: “And [the first community of believers] devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers…And all who believed were together and had all things in common” (Acts, 2:42, 44, emphasis added).
Don’t you love the simplicity of how they approached church? Essentially, they were together listening to the apostle's teaching, eating their meals together, and sharing what they had. (I don’t know if they played a game as sophisticated as foursquare, but they probably had something comparable involving an inflated sheep bladder or something). It is neat to think that the essential elements of the church are communal in nature.
That is why the community is a central part of what Eagle Church is all about. Our staff are always thinking about and looking for creative ways to facilitate community life and, as Pastor Eric puts it, wage war against isolation. Many people in the Eagle community have benefitted from this by joining a small group, going on a mission trip, or serving locally in an area of need. In recent history, there have also been large-format classes like EHS that have been an excellent way for people to grow their relationship with God and with others.
In spite of having options, it is possible to still struggle with feelings of isolation. Difficult life circumstances, health issues, and even family/relational issues can make participating in community life events really challenging. What is perhaps an even more common experience is that for many people, life feels too busy to meaningfully pursue or experience community. Relationships take time and effort and amid the non-stop activity of work and family/household commitments, there is often nothing left at the end of the day.
So what do you do if this is where you find yourself? I want to share two realities with you that might open up some possibilities if you are feeling like you have no margin for life-giving community. These realities have the potential to change your life, but fair warning, they will require some honest introspection. The point is not to load you with guilt, rather it is to empower you to take ownership over that which God has given you authority over. Embrace these two realities and you will be amazed at the difference it can make!
Reality #1: My decisions reflect my priorities and are playing a role in my present sense of isolation.
Because so many things are not within our control, it is tempting to start viewing life as something that happens to us rather than something we are actively engaged in. There is actually a certain amount of comfort with this approach because it absolves us (or so we think) of the responsibility to make decisions that might go wrong or lead to undesirable consequences. This “comfort”, however, comes at a huge price. The end result of this mindset is that our lives wind up being shaped by the desires others have for us, whether it is our culture or our family, or driven by any passing inclination we might have.
Making decisions about where and how we will invest our time is hard. I’m indebted to author Dan Allender for pointing this out, but the word “decide” comes from the Latin root decidere which literally means “to cut off”. It is where we get words like “homicide” and “suicide”. The reason that making decisions is hard is that to say yes to anything means we are cutting off numerous other options. The problem is made thornier when you consider that to not decide is also a decision…killing its own set of possibilities!
If you find yourself feeling cut off from community life, here is an empowering question you can ask yourself: How have my decisions contributed to my sense of disconnectedness? In other words, what have I said “yes” to that is forcing me to say “no” to pursuing community and relationships? For some of you, your isolation is not directly related to the decisions you have made. However, for many, there are things (activities, causes, sports, hobbies, work, etc.) that have simply been prioritized over community life. Asking this question is empowering because it creates an opportunity for you to make changes. It is challenging because investing in relationships takes time and energy and may well require us to let go of some things. Which is a nice segue into reality #2…
Reality #2: You can’t have it all/do it all.
Our culture reflects the ever-present human tendency to try to fight our way back into the Garden of Eden; to find life on our own, apart from God. Ad media, TV shows, movies, and social media continually suggest that it’s possible to achieve and experience a fully-complete life. This is actually a vicious lie that enslaves people into an endless, restless pursuit of things that, ultimately, prove empty and unfulfilling. Part of what is so alluring about the lie is that the things themselves are not necessarily bad. Our desire for life as it was meant to be leaves us vulnerable to the suggestion that those things (achievement, involvement, money, power, sex etc.) will get us there.
However, life on earth is certainly not as it was meant to be. We are creatures of limitations. We are finite in our abilities, our opportunities, and our resources. We have neither the time nor energy to achieve all the dreams on our bucket lists. This reality necessitates prioritizing. If it is true that we cannot achieve all that we desire, we must decide what is most important. And in making that decision, we should expect that some options will be cut off. The question for all of us becomes the same one that Jesus asked his early disciples: “What do you [really] want?” (John, 1:38).
Conclusion
We are relational beings. Our biggest need beyond food and water is our need for relationship. If you find yourself wrestling with a sense of disconnection from people in general and God’s family in particular, I want to encourage you to tune into that emotion. Our relationships (especially those within the community of believers) represent something we can’t live without and are worth making sacrifices for. You will not likely regret any re-ordering of your life you may have to do to make room for them.
As you wrestle with the reality of making tough decisions about where your time will go, and that you can’t have it all, know that the staff, elders, and members of Eagle Church are here to help you. It could be that you have significant challenges in your life that make the pursuit of community especially difficult, or that you just need to get plugged into the right group. Whatever the case, we want you to be and feel connected to the community and can come alongside you to figure out ways to make that more of a reality.
If that doesn’t work I can probably get you into our foursquare game…
[1] Cloud, H. (2001). How people grow: What the Bible reveals about personal growth. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.